By Melissa Jo
When I was in high school, I had a beard. And no, I’m not talking about the beard on someone’s face, but a beard that concealed identity. My beard was so thick, it even fooled me. I should also mention this was not an “I dated a cis-man, so no one would know I’m gay” beard. I just had a lot of crushes on cis-men. If you asked anyone who knew me during my elementary, middle, or high schoolyears, they would label me as “boy-crazy.” At any given time, I had multiple crushes on multiple boys, and every time I had a new crush, there needed to be a public announcement. I once went through my high school yearbook and counted the number of man-crushes I had. That number was over fifty. OVER FIFTY. How did I even have time for that?!
When I headed off to college, I made sure to bring along my man folder. It held such classic hotties as Taylor Lautner, Zac Efron, and...Jordin Sparks? Jordin Sparks is a lady FYI, and when your man folder has a lady in it, you should probably take a hint. But no. The reason Jordin Sparks was in my man folder was because she inspired me. Her figure was flawless, and I hoped to have a flawless figure just like her someday. Little did I know that I already had a flawless figure. And still do!
When I walked into psych class for the first time my first year, I couldn’t help but notice someone. She wore a backwards flat-brimmed cap, black v-neck, baggy jeans, and sweet kicks. Every class, I would look back at her over my shoulder. Keeping it real cool. Real casual. I finally got to talk to her during a Día de los Muertos celebration in November. We bonded over our love for flan, and it was pure bliss.
That night, I told my friends, “I think I have a crush. On a girl.” Almost immediately they decided they needed to write an isawyouwellesley (a combination of Wellesley Crushes and Wellesley Compliments). It was entitled “SEXITUP” (subtle) and went as follows: Dear Lady in the Cap, We just started talking and bonded over our love for flan. Your nose is perfect. You are a lovely human being, and I’d love to get to know you better. Get inside your mind? By mind I mean pants. Your not so secret lover. WHAT?! What?! Whowerewe? “By mind I mean pants”?
Well, thankfullyshe didnot see it. That is until I told her about it...whoops? She read it and was actually flattered. Getting an isawyouwellesley written foryou was a HUGE deal. Even thoughyou would think this post would freak someone out, we ended up kissing that night. I was expecting magicandbutterfliesandunicorns, butitkindofjusthappenedandendedwith zero spark.
Well. I had now had my first lady kiss and felt like a badass. As soon as I got back to my dorm, I wrote a poem: The touch of your skin against mine / Pulling you in for the softest of kisses / Disbelieving what is happening / Yet living in the moment / A situation now frozen in my mind / A situation placed forever in time. It may not have been the best kiss nor the best poem, but it got my creative juices flowing and my feelings all tied up.
Now that I was out to myself, I saw things in a different light and opened up in new ways. This brings me to the Super Hot Mystery Girl situation. There was this beautiful woman, but no one could tell me whom she was. When I found out she was coordinating an event in the pub, I decided I would serenade her with a song she inspired me to write then and there. And so, later that night, my first year self went up to this stunning senior and asked if I could sing a song I wrote for her. Ballsy, I know. She loved the song, but unfortunately had a girlfriend. Oh well.
I have always been a firm believer of sharing your feelings for someone, because if there is a chance for something to happen, I wouldn’t want to miss it. Now that I am more sure of myself and my sexuality (which I sometimes like to label as “Open for Business”), my crushes have slowed down. I no longer need to pine after someone else who will accept me and fill my void. I finally accept myself, and I feel whole.
From December 2015 Issue